Thursday, June 17, 2010

Broken Heart

Why am I deciding now to start blogging again, you ask? Well, lately I have really felt like the boys have really grown up right before my eyes. I don't know when exactly they turned into little men. Seems like yesterday they were running me in circles and teaming up against me ALL DAY LONG. Well, they still do this at times, but it is much easier to handle now that they are much more communiticative. I am really struggling with life right now. I want so much to just run away and live a life in the forest with Andy and our boys. I feel like I am so busy that I am overlooking what is most important, and I HATE this feeling. I am trying to make the most of each moment, but it isn't working out well. Here's why...

Maybe a day or two ago, I told Carter that I loved him and he mumbled something along the lines of "I don't love you." I assumed he was mad at me for making them go to sleep, because this happened at bed time or nap time, can't remember which one. I brushed it off and didn't think much of it. Tonight, he was sitting on my lap on the back porch so I could cut his fingernails. I was talking to him and told him I love him, and he told me that he didn't love me. We talked some more about how God gave him to me and I love him more than anything and it makes me sad to hear him say he doesn't love me, etc. He continued by telling me repeatedly that he doesn't love me and proceeded to list the people he does love (by the way, the only people to make the list were Nana, Daddy, Becky, and Grandma). He was very adament that he didn't love me. I asked him if I was a good mommy or a bad mommy and he said I was a bad mommy. I asked him why, which he went in circles and said because he doesn't love me. I never really got a reason out of him. Although his only answer to ANY "why" question is "because."

So all night I have felt absolutely crushed. I hope it is a phase of somekind, I really feel like I've messed him up somehow or I haven't been there for him enough. I really need to make time for just Carter and Mommy, because we don't do that as much as we should.

I think it is a good time to tell my Carter story for today. I picked them up from VBS at Idlewild. Carter and Conner both had paper bags with their projects setting outside their classroom and a pretty large sheriff hat. We went out to find their "stuff" and Conner found his instantly. Carter saw his projects, but threw a fit because he said it didn't "spell his name." He knows his name and can spell it just fine, so I don't know why he was so insistant that it wasn't his name. So I finally convinced him that it was his stuff. Then he noticed that one of the sequins on the hat was coming unglued. I tried to tell him it was okay and he started screaming about how it was broken. I told him (and showed him) to put the sequin in his bag and we would use our glue at home to glue it back. He started screaming about no glue at home or something. Just mean and ugly yelling. He then wanted me to carry everything and I told him no because I had other things in my hands already and still had to pick up Canyon and how he is big enough to carry his own stuff, etc. Well, the fit started again and he is literally screaming crying for me to hold everything. Stupidly, I hold it just to get him to get up and walk with us to get Canyon. (Keep in mind Conner has been happily standing with me hold his stuff this entire five minutes.) So then as we continue down the hall, Carter starts to throw a fit to hold my hand, which are both FULL of my stuff and his stuff. He starts yelling and screaming at me about how he has to hold my hand. I explain to him how I can't hold his had because both hands are full and he doesn't even act like he is listening. He is pulling on my arm and finally gets ahold of my pinky. (Another sidenote, Carter is the kid who almost NEVER will hold my hand. He will if we are in a parking lot because that is a rule, but never just to hold my hand.) So I have a screaming kid attached to me while I am trying to pick up Canyon from class. So we proceed to leave and Carter insists on holding my pinky the whole way to the car. About the time we get outside, his poor little hand is all sweaty from clasping my pinky so tightly and it starts to slip off. So he then starts to throw a fit because his hand is sliding off. Now, it is completely obvious to me that he is pulling his hand down off my pinky on purpose, over and over again, just to have a reason to scream. Of course this was quite amusing, so I start cracking up. Now I am feeding the fire and he screams all the way to the car and about the first five minutes we were in the car. He was screaming at his brothers about something, and he was screaming at me to turn the movie on, which I didn't.

Carter, I love you more than you will ever know.

Lord, please give me the strengh to raise this child. Give me the wisdom to make the right decisions in dicipline. Just please give me the guidance I need. Please.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry! You are a great mom. My kids' emotions are so up and down depending on how tired they are, hungry, anything. The girls are constantly competing...and maybe Carter just isn't feeling like he's winning in his internal competition? Maybe he just needs some extra one-on-one. I'm learning how difficult that is with 3...but I'm sure after this recent conversation you are wanting to do anything to try and fix how he's feeling. He loves you more than anything, just can't express what's really going on.